It was a bit of a revelation to me that eating "whatever I want" didn't actually mean stuffing myself full of candy and fast food all day and never eating vegetables again. That's not what my body wants. That's not what I want. I want to feel great, be healthy and fit, and enjoy my food. I don't want any rules or drama, but, wow, those are clingy. The one that tripped me up the most was the idea that I could be a happy, intuitive eater if I lost weight doing it or stayed below a certain weight. The irony! I basically made non-dieting my new weight loss scheme, set up a paradigm where, like any other diet, it may or may not "work." Trusting my body and eating to appetite is an acceptable approach unless I gain past a certain weight (I called it my "oh, shit" weight), and then restriction becomes necessary or justified. Anybody see the problem there? Diet thinking, diet threat, impending diet, guilt, shame, mental restriction. Nobody eats "normally" under those circumstances. What we're experiencing in that fearful state is not a reflection of what truly eating intuitively or trusting your body can be. The real deal is far more relaxed and effective than my whacked out conditional diet version, but it took me a couple of years to tease them apart.
Something that helped tremendously was becoming unconditionally ok with myself. Not, "I'm ok if..." I'm always ok. I always deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. I always deserve to eat when I'm hungry and rest when I'm tired. I take care of my body like it's a child or beloved pet. There's never a point where it's ok to become abusive or neglectful. Getting this through my "no pain, no gain," willpower and discipline mind took time and effort, but it's an extremely worthwhile pursuit. Being a jerk to yourself is never going to solve your problems or make you happy. There's never a scenario in which it becomes a good idea.
So, with that out of the way, how do I treat myself? That's when things really began to change for the better.
That's a really good definition! The "trusting your body to make up for your mistakes in eating" part is really helpful.
For me, eating like an idiot meant eating (or not eating) very reactively with a lot of emotion behind my decisions. It was no dinner because lunch was too big, all the candy because I’d earned it, no snacking if the scale was up, or an extra helping if I’d exercised. Idiot logic. LOL I would often resent or regret these weird self-imposed rules but I was afraid not to follow them, or try to. Often it was more like I’d have the thought that I should do the dumb thing, and then the thought itself would cause me to gasp for food or eat very reactively.
When I didn’t know what normal eating looked like, Ellyn Satter’s definition was very helpful. I’ll paste it below. I also found it helpful to watch friends and relatives who had never been dieters or disordered eaters, people who just didn’t stress about it.
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What is normal eating?
Written in 1983 by Ellyn Satter
Normal eating is going to the table hungry and eating until you are satisfied. It is being able to choose food you enjoy and eat it and truly get enough of it – not just stop eating because you think you should. Normal eating is being able to give some thought to your food selection so you get nutritious food, but not being so wary and restrictive that you miss out on enjoyable food. Normal eating is giving yourself permission to eat sometimes because you are happy, sad or bored, or just because it feels good. Normal eating is mostly three meals a day, or four or five, or it can be choosing to munch along the way. It is leaving some cookies on the plate because you know you can have some again tomorrow, or it is eating more now because they taste so wonderful. Normal eating is overeating at times, feeling stuffed and uncomfortable. And it can be undereating at times and wishing you had more. Normal eating is trusting your body to make up for your mistakes in eating. Normal eating takes up some of your time and attention, but keeps its place as only one important area of your life. In short, normal eating is flexible. It varies in response to your hunger, your schedule, your proximity to food and your feelings.
It's definitely not working and is actively causing me to eat like an idiot! I'm not completely sure what not eating like an idiot should look like, though, and I think that might be another problem.
For me, I was finally able to change that restrictive thinking when I realized it was not working, could never work, and was actively causing me to eat like an idiot. Then there was room for some new thoughts to form.
"The one that tripped me up the most was the idea that I could be a happy, intuitive eater if I lost weight doing it or stayed below a certain weight."
This is where I am now. I totally relate to the "Trusting my body and eating to appetite is an acceptable approach unless I gain past a certain weight (I called it my "oh, shit" weight), and then restriction becomes necessary or justified" part, too. I totally see the problem with that line of thinking; I'm just struggling to change it. Anyone else in the same boat, or have any thoughts?