I was thinking about my weight today. I used to talk about how I had a 10 pound weight range. When I was still subconsciously restricting and rebounding, I sure did. Generally, I was somewhere in the middle, but would move in either direction depending on what I was reading, watching, or thinking. If I thought I needed to lean out for summer, restriction would creep in to my food decisions and my weight would drop a little. Then when I inevitably thought, "Screw this! Eat the food!" my weight would climb a little higher than where it had been before. It was like the last traces of a yo-yo or restrict/binge pattern. It was very subtle but still happening, even way into happy eaters and intuitive eating. I only see it now because it's not happening anymore. I don't weigh myself often, but every time I have it's the exact same weight, to the point I thought my scale was broken. I had to weigh the dog to be sure. Different times of year, vacations, restaurants, upper respiratory infections, injuries, baking sprees, same weight. Wow!
I think the biggest shift in thinking is telling myself every day, in every way, "I don't need to lose weight." I used to think of it as this harmless game I played - leaving some on the plate, serving myself a few bites less, not snacking, passing on dessert. No! It's not harmless! That mindset is the whole problem. It's why I struggled with food and weight. It's the reason those unwanted thoughts and behaviors were so strong and hung on so long. I was strengthening them every time I chose diet thoughts and behaviors over what my own body was telling me. It says, "Im hungry." I say, "Wait 30-60 minutes." It says, "M&Ms!!!!" I say, "You'll have bitter dark chocolate and like it." It says, "More please." I say, "That was clearly enough. You must be a habitual overeater food addict."
When I leave weight out of it and stay in the moment, I am so much better at feeding myself. I don't second-guess everything. I know. Clearly, I'm hungry. Definitely, I'm not. Absolutely, that's worth eating anyway. Clearly, I'll pass on that. It's easy and obvious. I'm not guessing or consulting outside sources. As a result, nothing exciting happens to my weight. It just sits there minding its own business, not giving me any cause for concern. I love that!
I've never had a restrained weight or trauma weight become effortlessly steady like that. I've also never had my highest rebound, binge-eating weights become my new normal. That was a grave fear of my eating disorder brain, but that frenzied "feeeeed me!" state is just as temporary and unsustainable as restriction. Your body doesn't want either extreme.