I was thinking today about how it feels to pursue health and fitness for the joy of being healthy and fit (what a concept), versus pursuing it for the sake of being as light, lean, and small as possible, to impress others, or to feel worthy. It's a night and day difference.
If you had told me years ago that I would quit the gym, quit dieting, and quit worrying about weight, I would absolutely have assumed that meant I quit being fit. I couldn't have fathomed exercising or eating nutritious foods just for fun, but guess what? It's MORE fun without the obsessive madness. I do whatever I like. I eat whatever sounds good. I feel fantastic and perform well. I'm not depleted from restriction and compulsive scale watching. I'm not thinking about food all day. I'm not exhausted and injured from sticking to a plan at all costs. I'm stronger and more flexible. Nothing hurts. I look forward to working out, and if I'm not looking forward to it that day, I don't do it. So crazy! There's no dread. Willpower and motivation are not required. My whole life doesn't revolve around my diet and workout schedule. And this is the really hilarious part, my results are better. Overdoing it while restricting my food made me hungry, tired, and defiant. There was a lot of reactive eating going on, getting sick a lot, getting hurt a lot, verrrry moody. True health is mental, physical, and spiritual. It's not a weight or a size.
I agree with all of this but there is a huge disconnect in my mind about it. I can see other people in their diverse bodies and there is no judgement of their weight or their level of fitness - heck there was larger man in the 5k race I ran who KICK MY BUTT! So I know intellectually that weight does not determine fitness level and yet... I can't apply that to myself. Maybe it's because when I was bigger I wasn't fit AT ALL and so I have this weird associate in my brain that for me higher weight = unhealthy. And of course that has been reinforced by my family and fitness culture. But it fascinates me that I have this belief just for myself but not anyone else.
@Melissa Yes! The fitness model body is such an illusion. When someone is photo shoot or contest lean, they are often at their UNhealthiest - dehydrated, hungry, exhausted, wrecked hormones. That level of leanness is a temporary state that comes with a lot of fallout. It’s not natural or sustainable for most people. I remember someone pointing out that we idealize bodies that would represent famine in any other time or culture. That struck me. Being truly healthy and strong, performing at your best, requires food and rest. I love the body diversity at the Olympic Games. The best athletes in the world at the pinnacle of their sporting careers come in all shapes and sizes. The weight lifters wouldn’t perform well at all if they tried to look like the pole vaulters. Rhythmic gymnasts are built nothing like shot putters, who look nothing like cyclists. The idea that we need to look one specific way or we’re not fit is nuts, especially if we work in an office and we’re holding ourselves to the standard of the leanest models and athletes.
I thought for so long that fitness = fitness model body. If you didn’t have the body, you weren’t really fit. This year I am proving to myself that thought was false. When I started running, I was in the height of my ED and had the fitness model body (of course it still wasn’t good enough for me). I could barely run for 1 minute straight. 15 minutes of running and walking exhausted me. Yesterday, in my biggest body, I ran 9.5k in 1:15. I felt great, a bit tired, but not exhausted. I ate well afterwards and I never had that starving feeling I used to get. I’ve always wanted to be an active person. I don’t want to end up as an old lady stuck in her chair. I’m starting to realise that weight has nothing to do with being an active person or not. Being an active person now is the only thing you can do. If you are active today, you can be active tomorrow and for the rest of your life.