I am so much happier and healthier 20 pounds heavier than my disordered weight. The original gain flipped me out because I gained so suddenly, 40 pounds in a year. Then I continued to yo-yo diet for many more years because I thought dieting was going to solve everything. It just kept me trapped.
Right now, I know that I'm not at my smallest or lightest adult weight. I'm capable of maintaining a much lower weight...if I want to deal with gnawing hunger, to have no energy for my workouts, to be cold all the time, to have the room turn purple and spin when I move fast, to be depressed and moody all the time, to have my joints hurt, to be socially isolated, to have muscle cramps and tremors, to not poop anymore. It's like, wooo! So glamorous!
Of course I don't want that back. I love my muscles and curves. I love being strong, healthy, well rested, confident, peaceful. It's not just my body that has changed, it's my entire thought process. Disordered, desperate fearful thoughts produce one kind of body - a frail, miserable, unhealthy body. Treating myself with kindness and respect produces another kind of body - a strong one that can run and jump and play, sleep like a baby, digest anything, and be at peace in the world.