From skwigg's journal:
I noticed as I was getting dressed for work today that my clothes actually fit me. For many years when I was yo-yo dieting (funny how I never called it that), I wore loose, oversized clothes. I wanted the legs loose. I wanted the butt covered. I definitely didn’t want to reveal the state of my arm definition. If my weight was up, I didn’t want people at work to see, and if it was down, I REALLY didn’t want them to see. I knew when the transformation contest or x-week diet ended, I would snap photos, take measurements, and regain quickly. I didn’t want everyone complimenting me and asking questions on the way down only to go silent or talk behind my back when I gained 10-15 pounds basically overnight, as I did every flipping time I lost weight through cutting out food groups, tracking in software, or following some other impractical scheme. It seems miraculous that I’ve been the same size for years now, and I buy and wear that size. It took a whole lot of mindset work to get out of both the extreme behaviors and the stories about what people might think. It’s interesting that it was very much a mind problem I was trying to solve with a food answer. “If I could just eat _____, I’ll look _____, and people will think _____.” Ha! No! I couldn’t untangle myself from the diet extremes and weight drama until I could question the thoughts driving it. Is it true? None of my stories held up to honest questioning.
I really hope I end up doing the same as you, Skwigg. I don’t think I’ve ever been the same size for more than a year or two since I was like 15 (which I guess means ever, given that I was also growing up until that point!), with the constant binge/restrict cycles. At this point, I care less what size I am so much as I just stop being constantly dissatisfied and going through huge changes, intentionally anyway.
I don't know how many times I did the thing where I'd lose weight through dieting and buy a bunch of new clothes in an unsustainable size. Then you just feel horrible as you're regaining and nothing fits. I'm all for clothes that make me feel comfortable and confident, so nothing tight or pinchy, and nothing so loose I feel like I'm wearing clown clothes. After decades of weight drama, it's refreshing to be the same size year after year, and not be trying to change it.
Clothing has been an ongoing struggle for me too, but I think I’m finally also getting the hang of it. My past hang-ups included: Only fitted shirts so that everyone could see my flat stomach, to make up for the size of my legs. And because of said legs I preferred shorts, even when weather dictated otherwise, so that my muscles were visible, or else loose pants, but never leggings or fitted pants because they just made my legs look fat. Oh and same for my arms - had to be sleeveless way past summer or else baggy sleeved, so that my biceps looked toned instead of just too big. For way too many years I wore bras that were too small or only sports bras too, because I thought my boobs were way too big too. And let’s not forget all the clothes I bought too small just because of the size label on them, or the times I’d finally reached an ultra thin size and went on shopping sprees to help distract myself from eating, only to regain weight and have the clothes no longer fit. Just typing that all out exhausted and annoyed me just now, lol! I am still not immune entirely (going up and down 50 pounds over three pregnancies and still seeing post-partum changes has sometimes been a pendulum between extreme frustration and giving up entirely), but I realize that it at least takes up very little of my thoughts now. I almost never scrutinize myself in the mirror or think to choose what I wear based on what anyone else might think of my clothes or body. Clothes have become a lot the same as the way I think about eating, actually. Instead of dressing (and eating) in order to make my body look a certain way, I choose both the clothes (and food) that I like, sound most appealing to me at the time, and make me feel my best. And once I’m dressed in the morning (or finished eating) I never go back and analyze or second-guess my choices later.