"I go back and forth so often about whether being a happy eater or being thin is more important to me." Well, it's a good thing they aren't mutually exclusive. 🙂 Think of it as a spectrum, not an either/or. Feeling more comfortable in your skin and happier with your eating (body, self-care) is often just a matter of being a little more mindful of gentle nutrition, consistency, and satisfaction. So, instead of going all the way into the depths of restriction for the purpose of weight loss, or trying to embrace reactive, unattuned eating and weight gain as the new normal, leave weight out of the equation and focus on the behaviors and mindset you want. Aim for somewhere in between "constant vigilance" and "not caring" that's comfortable and sustainable enough to produce great results. Some people may feel most at home with a little more structure and mindfulness, and others with a little more flexibility and freedom. The idea that I had choices was missing from my early understanding of happy/intuitive eating. It's ok to meet yourself where you are now and gradually introduce more freedom or more mindfulness.