How to Think About Self-Care

When I started backing away from obsessive thoughts about diet and exercise, "Who am I without it?" was too big to ponder. I had nothing. If you've neglected other interests for years, it's not obvious. You can't tick off a list of other things you're excited about or invested in. A place to start is, "What am I curious about?" So, things you might like to learn more about or pursue. If that is still crickets, "What was I excited about as a child?" Reading a book about a new interest, taking a class, or volunteering can help to expand your horizons and give you something else to focus on and feel good about. Then you start to get a greater sense of who you are and what is important to you. Eating as little as possible was a lame hobby, it turns out. Plenty of other pursuits are more fun and make us feel excited and connected instead of isolated and anxious.

Can you visualize (and then maybe write or verbalize if it helps) what your life would be like without the food and weight fear? Imagine it’s totally gone. You are fully recovered. How is your day different? What’s the first thing you do in the morning? What’s for breakfast if there are no worries about doing it wrong? How do you interact with your family? What do you have planned today? What do you look forward to? How does it feel physically and emotionally to be completely rested and relaxed? If you have no fear and anxiety, how would you enjoy your time at home alone? How would you spend time with your family and friends? Are there fun activities, hobbies, or outings? What’s for dinner? How is that different now that you’re calm and confident in your choices? What do you do after dinner? How does that feel? I ask because you have to SEE this life before you can step into it. Create the whole thing in your mind. Imagine it’s a done deal, fully recovered, happy, rested, comfortable in your body, confident in your choices. What are you doing differently? What are your thoughts like? The more fully and frequently you can imagine it, the more it changes your brain to be that. The easier it becomes to take those steps and think those thoughts in your daily life. If you focus on everything you’re afraid of, everything that could go wrong, what you don’t want, then that’s your experience. It’s ALL you can experience. As children, most of us had vivid imaginations. We were great at pretend. That is a super important skill for brain development - seeing yourself trying new things, succeeding, being the hero. Kids play at that and it helps them grow up. Well, adults can imagine and grow too. If you’re too scared to try something beneficial, imagine you’re Super You. What is she willing to try that you’re not? If you’re just playing, it doesn’t have any dire implications to skip the run today and go meet a friend at a coffee shop instead. That’s your mission, or whatever you decide is your pretend, funny, no pressure mission today. That’s how you change, not by shuffling negative scenarios in your head until you’re too paralyzed to act.

My jeans were starting to feel a little tight in the waist, not in the butt or thighs, or places where they usually get snug after coming out of the dryer, just the waist. Logical mind thought, maybe I'll shop for some new jeans and size up. Lunatic mind thought, "This is it! The menopausal potbelly has arrived." Followed seconds later by, "No, wait! I'm pregnant?!?!?" Followed quickly by, "...with a food baby! Maybe you ought to lay off the nachos and ice cream..." blah, blah, blah, restrictive nonsense. The interesting part is that I didn't DO anything. I watched the mental train wreck unfold with genuine curiosity. I didn't try to reason, dismiss, or distract myself from these thoughts. It was more like, "Hmmm, look at brain go. It's really on a roll here. Isn't it interesting how it still does that?" And then I kept doing exactly what I'd been doing all along - eating what I want until I'm satisfied, eating to feel good, moving to feel good, and generally taking great care of myself. What else is there to do? Being a fearful, reactive jerk to myself isn't solution to anything. It's the problem. My brain is just offering up all the old responses I taught it when I didn't know any better. (Insert Oprah and Maya Angelou talking about, " When you know better, you do better.") Anyway, no action was taken, days went by, and whatever water, sodium, hormonal thing that was going on there resolved itself. It makes me wonder how many times in the past I noticed a "problem" with my body or my eating, told myself a terrible story, and flew down that rabbit hole of restriction without a second thought. Dozens? Thousands? Then, not only did I have the original issue, I had bonus extreme hunger, volatile moods, binge urges, and bone-weary fatigue to go with it, which would create many new problems requiring many new freakouts and restrictions. The beauty of doing nothing, eh?