Letizia’s journal

Feeling a bit low so I thought I would journal a bit.

I have been feeling really good physically lately, since I started working with a dietitian. She gave me some amazing advice which I have been implementing since june. Essentially, more fats and more protein, and also working on balancing my hormones through stabilizing blood sugar levels and eating slightly differently depending on the phase of my menstrual cycle. I have also been doing acupuncture and breathing exercises to manage my anxiety/ stress. I feel great, I have energy and I am motivated to work out again. I still look the same, I just have less muscle definition. My clothes still fit and some even fit a bit better (more booty in my jeans , ha!). Buuuut Im still not getting pregnant, which mean there are probably issues that are beyond my control. I thought it was just due to improper nutrition or something similar, which would have been easy to fix because I just had to eat more. It’s good because it’s not “my fault” (I thought it was my fault because I wasn’t eating properly) but it’s bad because it means I can’t really do anything about it.

But on the bright side: I am no longer obsessed with food/ thinking about food all the time! I forgot how nice it feels to have brain space for other things:) Only a few kg made a huge difference. I need to remember this next time Im catastrophising and thinking I need to “get fat” to achieve food freedom. Its simply not true, I just needed to gain 2-3kg and Im already feeling way better !

Thanks a lot Sarah for the concept of outcome goals / process goals. I like that!! I think the small tweaks I am making to my diet could be considered as process goals. What I have been doing so far is:

• Add more oil when cooking

• Add seeds to salads

• Systematically having a mid-morning and an afternoon snack

• Adding a slice of bread when I have soup or salad

Last Saturday I went out to dinner with my husband and I had a whole pizza (here in Europe it’s not uncommon for one person to eat an entire pizza as a meal) + a nice Aperol spritz and we shared tiramisu for dessert. I usually don’t eat dessert after a pizza because it’s already a lot of food, but I checked in and I realized I still had some room so I had a bit of tiramisu and ended up comfortably full (and very happy).

I also did something which I was really afraid of for the longest time: I booked an appointment with a nutritionist doctor. She has a practice focused on endocrine health and fertility for women, so I think she will really help me. I had my first session today. She took several measurements and it turns out that I am not doing as bad as I thought! My BMI is 18.7, which she said is on the low end of what is considered a “normal” range. My body fat is 19%, which she said is also low but not excessively low if that makes sense. However, as I am currently experiencing irregular periods and possibly ovulatory issues, she thinks my own personal “happy” weight could potentially be slightly higher. I am reassured though that I am not severely underweight or anything like that. Prior to this I had no idea where I stand.

She also analyzed my food journal and said that it seems balanced to her (already taking into account the above mentioned small changes I have been making), but she think I am not eating enough protein. I guess this is because my son does not like meet / fish so we only eat legumes at home. However, she said it’s perfectly fine to keep eating vegetarian dinners, but she suggested that I add an extra portion of protein to my lunches. Essentially I do not need to change much, but just add an extra portion of protein to my lunches and also try to increase the protein content of my breakfasts. Sounds totally doable! And protein is probably the food group that I am less “scared” of, so adding a bit of protein will be less triggering for me than adding more calories from another food group. I will also be taking photos of my meals for the next month and upload them into an app which will send them directly to her so that she can actually see quantities/ portion sizes.

In terms of supplements, she suggested omega-3 as the most important thing. Additionally, she said I could have some collagen in my morning coffee for an extra dose of protein. I am a bit skeptical re. collagen but maybe I will try it. Has anyone here ever take collagen supplements?

Anyway, I am very happy about all this and having to send the pictures of what I eat I think is going to help me stay accountable/ keep going even when it feels uncomfortable to be increasing my intake or when I would be tempted to eat less. 

Yes, food is definitely a source of pleasure. Put some butter on that bread too!

As far as goals go, I think it's helpful to look at outcome goals and process goals. For instance your outcome goals may be a second child and loving/feeling confident in your body. What are the process goals that get you there but also make you feel good? When I think about this for running races it goes something like this --- My outcome goals are to finish in 1) XX time and 2) finish feeling strong so that I can keep training for the next one. What are my process goals to get there? 1) eat 20-30 grams of carbs every 20 minutes 2) hike the hills and run the downs and flats.etc.

It sounds like you are already thinking like this but maybe writing it out that way will help clarify. It also can't help to talk with a professional. Through my health insurance I can schedule quick behavioral health appointments. When I've been struggling with something this has helped just to have someone to talk with. It's short of therapy but may help clarify if that's something you should pursue. A lot of workplaces have employee assistance programs too that over drop in counseling session.

Very interesting concept of "goal life" rather than goal weight. What is my goal life? When I close my eyes, my goal life involves: having a second child, feeling confident in my body, finding a form of exercise that I enjoy…. There are a few minor things that I would like to improve from my current life, namely, thinking less about food, having more regular bowel movements, learning to listen to my body - I am so used to ignoring or controlling it that I don't even know what it tries to tell me. I have so much tension in my upper back and neck, I don't even realize it. I went to an acupuncturist and as soon as he saw me he said I had very low energy (which has also been confirmed by low iron in blood test) but I don't really feel that I have low energy because I am on auto pilot all the time and I just get stuff done without even taking a moment to ask myself how I'm doing. How do I reconnect with my body after so long? Maybe I should try some yoga, I used to enjoy it. That's the other thing: I am skinny but I am out of shape. I don't do any cardio (haven't done any in years) and I do some very light weight workouts once or twice a week but I don't enjoy them. I keep them short but I am so un-motivated. Maybe this lack of motivation to work out is actually my body's way of telling me that I am tired?

In terms of body image, I am all over the place. I regularly "feel fat" (when I'm bloated, or when I eat a big meal), but at the same time I find myself too skinny when I look in the mirror. Yesterday I was trying on bikinis for summer and I had a meltdown - too body, too pale, too many moles, saggy boobs, cellulite…I literally tore myself apart. I want this to change. Tearing myself apart every summer when trying on swimwear is definitely not part of my "goal life". Maybe I should try to find a professional to help me. I always think I can do it on my own because I have so much knowledge of food and Eds but maybe an external source could be really helpful.

Some small "wins" from yesterday: I ate a croissant at work (even though I was not hungry) because my co-worker brought some pastries; I had an afternoon snack even though dinner was coming up shortly. For today, I made pea soup for dinner and for once I am going to have bread with my soup. I usually don't have any because I always tell myself "it's ok, I don't need it, this is filling enough" which is true, but I think I would love to have some bread with my soup even though it might not be a necessity. It's like when I don't need a new dress, sometimes I still want the new dress so I get it sometimes. The same could be applied to food I guess; food is not only a necessity, it can also be a source of pleasure.

I always loved Georgie’s suggestion to think in terms of a goal life and not a goal weight. See yourself happy, healthy, confident, peaceful, and accomplishing everything you want in life. Move toward that with your thoughts and actions. The old fears and restrictions hold us back from what we most want in life. Releasing them can feel uncomfortable because it’s unknown. It requires us to change, but it’s not dangerous. I remember there being such a fight-or-flight feeling associated with my food choices. Turns out it’s not that perilous. My own thinking was the scariest thing happening. Questioning those fears and automatic reactions is a huge part of it. Think about who and how you want to be going forward. At fist, it’s dozens or hundreds of times a day that you have to consciously redirect unhelpful thoughts and emotions, but then it gets so much easier. Peace becomes the default, and we actually take much better care of our body and health when operating from a place of peace and not terror or judgment. You’ve got this!

I have been doing well for the past few days, making small tweaks that I can barely notice (full fat milk instead of semi-skimmed, more oil, nut/ seeds on salads)… and adding an afternoon snack even when I’m not hungry because I still feel like eating, ha!

I also went out to dinner with a friend and I ordered what I truly wanted (first default choice was « I should get the fish » and then I told myself no, I want the burrata). So that’s good. I just got my period today though and I am incredibily bloated, which makes me feel « fat »/ causing me to freak out a bit, like « see your pants are already tight, stop doing what you’ve been doing ». This whole thing of eating more on purpose is so counter intuitive for me. And my brain is also making all sorts of arguments like “you don’t know for sure that you need to gain weight”… But I do know that 1) I eat super healthy by “default”, 2) I never let myself over indulge and 3) I still think about food a lot/ can’t wait to eat even when I’m not hungry per se. I am pretty sure that these are all signs that I should be eating and weighing more. The other scary thing is that I have no idea what my adult body is supposed to look like. I have had eating disorders/ restrictive eating since I was 15 and I am 34 now. I don’t know what my “happy weight” is. Maybe it’s not much bigger than my current weight, or maybe it’s way heavier. No clue, and I am a bit scared to find out.

Thank you for commenting, Sara and Skwigg!

I love both of your suggestions of thinking in terms of nourishment/ gratitude and also increasing calories by making small tweaks that won’t make me freak out. I have started brainstorming ideas of little things to add, like cooking with 2 tbsp of oil instead of 1, adding nuts/ seeds to my salads, having a slightly bigger portion of chocolate as my dessert, and adding an afternoon snack. I usually skip the afternoon snack because we eat dinner early (6-6:30) and I usually get a bit hungry around 5-5:30 pm so I usually tell myself I can just wait until dinner. I will also look for resources regarding how to cope and accept weight gain. Ultimately I want to gain a bit of weight because I think I would feel better and also look better, but I know that it will still be hard for me to accept when the weight does start to add on…

You may find it helpful to focus on nourishing yourself, mentallly, physically, and emotionally. Nourishment and gratitude. When making food choices or engaging in self-talk, ask “Is this kind? Is it nourishing?” Every time you make conscious choices in that direction - for your future, for your happiness, for love - let the feelings of joy, health, and gratitude wash over you. It will change everything. It’s not even about calories or your body. It’s letting go of the old fears so you can move forward. Those old ways of thinking don’t serve you or protect you anymore. Think in terms of nourishing your body, your baby, and your own soul. That will include plenty of nutritious foods, but with more variety, more joy, less judgement and fear.

I need to write in my journal a bit to gather my thoughts

We have been “struggling” to get pregnant- I don’t know if I am allowed to call it a struggle because it hasn’t been that long but to me it feels like forever. Started trying in August, got pregnant in October then had a miscarriage in November. We have since been trying every month December to June and so far it hasn’t worked. It’s taking a toll on my mental health and on our marriage - our sex life basically revolves around ovulation and is super regimented during the “sex week”

Why am I writing this? well because I have a nagging feeling that my weight might have something to do with it. I don’t have proof or anything but it’s just a feeling. I don’t weigh myself but based on my clothes I can tell I have lost weight in the past year and I was already slim. Partly it’s because I have a toddler and my life is very hectic right now, but I know I also have some habits that are not necessarily healthy. It’s not that I am restricting per se, and I am soooo much freer than I used to be. I don’t binge, I am not scared of eating out, I eat all food groups etc. BUT - and its a big but - most of the time my eating habits are still dictated by what is low calorie. Except when Im out with friends, I don’t eat anything extravagant. I eat lots of veggies, lots of whole grains, fruit, lean proteins…. The only sweets I eat on a daily basis are a few squares of  chocolate (but never EVER more than 4 squares, even though sometimes I would like more). It doesn’t feel restrictive to me because I genuinely enjoy eating like that and I know that if I didn’t eat this “clean” I would feel bad (as in guilty/ fat etc.). When I put it in writing its so much easier to see it: I still dont have a normal eating behavior. And to be honest I don’t even like the way I look when Im this thin. My clothes don’t look good; everything is baggy and I can’t even find my size in most stores because XS is too small. If anyone is reading this I hope it’s not triggering (and if it is I do apologize).

But the truth is: I don’t know how to change. I have been this way for sooo long. And I used to be so much worse. First anorexia, then on and off bulimia for years. Now I’m so happy I have not binged/ purged in years (I don’t even remember the last time I did it). But I have plateaued. I got a bit restrictive when I was pregnant with my son (who is now 2 years old) and since then I haven’t been feeling great in my body. I was very underweight after my traumatic birth, then I got better and built a bit of muscle. But since he started walking I have lost weight again without even trying (not much, maybe 2kg but I was already slim) and now I am stuck at a low weight that I dont like and that might be detrimental to my reproductive health… and I don’t know how to change it. In the past I have never been able to consciously gain weight without losing it and bingeing. The only times I have successfully gained weight progressively was unintentionally when the weight simply added up without me doing anything special. But now I think I need to actually do something about it, but it feels so counterintuitive to me. My default mode is trying to limit extra calories as much as possible, never eating past fullness, never overeating, never eating when not hungry… I would like to find a way to eat more without it being so triggering that I would end up bingeing. And also, when Im at a low weight it kinda becomes my new normal so it feels “wrong” to see the weight go up (even though my rational side wants to gain).

I love that update Letizia! I agree with Skwigg - huge win. You honored your body by allowing yourself to enjoy the lunch with your co-workers, you acknowledged that you were very full and didn't feel up to eating dinner, but you saved yourself a portion and gave yourself permission to eat it when you felt hungry and didn't let old thoughts/behaviors overrule what you knew was best in that moment. 😊

I have been extremely busy with work unfortunately so I haven’t had time to journal.

However, I wanted to write about a huge win that I had last week:)

On Thursday I had my team’s Christmas lunch (we always do it in Jan because Dec is way too busy). We went to an amazing Peruvian restaurant and all had a tasting menu with several courses. I had so much delicious food (including 5 types of desserts! so yummy) and finished eating around 4pm. I was very very full, so when dinnertime rolled around I wasn’t hungry at all (like still almost uncomfortably full) so I made dinner for my husband and son and I saved my portion for later or the next day.

Around 10pm while my husband and I were watching TV I started feeling a little bit hungry. It wasn’t real hunger yet but rather a sense of emptiness which I knew meant I would be hungry during the night (and potentially wake up super early due to being hungry). Initially I thought “it’s too late now, just go to bed and you will be able to wait until morning” and “you ate so much, you really should skip dinner”. But then, I realized it was the old me talking and I decided not to listen. I decided to eat so that I would get a good night sleep. I deserve to eat dinner even when I eat a big lunch. So I ate my dinner (a delicious chickpea curry with a side of basmati rice) at 10pm and went to bed shortly after. I slept great and the next day I resumed my normal eating pattern. I felt like it was a step in the right direction:)

Hayley, you have articulated it perfectly. “I had to practice being hyper-conscious of the unconscious thoughts my brain was telling me, recognize that those thoughts were irrational/unhelpful, and make a different choice” --> that’s exactly it!

Oh and thank you for suggesting Dr. Becky At Good Inside on IG! I have started following her and since yesterday I have already binge-watched all her Reels. There is so much helpful advice! I also need to work on myself and try not to react too much to my kid’s big feelings. When I am rested and fine, I manage to handle them calmly, but when I am tired and stressed it’s an entirely different story. I guess practice makes perfect, and he gives me plenty of opportunities to practice, LOL😅

Skwigg, what you wrote about weighing the same but basically never being hungry blew my mind! I don’t know why I have this idea that if I am not hungry it means I don’t *need” the food so it will be stored as excess (aka fat).

Also, I want 2024 to be the year I beat my addiction to sugar-free gum! Ever since I stopped smoking (13 years ago!) I have been addicted to sugar-free gum. I chew gum all day; if I’m not eating (or sleeping) I am chewing gum. I am pretty sure it hides my hunger signals and messes with my digestive system/ dives me GI issues. I used to help me fight the urge to smoke, but I am now ready to recognize that this habit is not serving me anymore.

Today I went out to lunch with a friend and usually I try to pick the restaurant so I know there will be something not too too heavy for me to eat. But today I let my friend pick the restaurant and she suggested this place that makes really delicious but really fatty ramen. I was like, you know what, let’s go for it. I was afraid having such a heavy dish for lunch would make me sleepy and burpy all afternoon, but it didn’t!! I felt great and when I got home I was craving something sweet so I even had dessert (dark chocolate with hazelnuts, my fav!)

I love what you said about stepping back (taking a pause) and choosing your reaction vs. impulsively reacting to a situation - whether this pertains to how you eat/exercise or your toddler. When I overcame bingeing/purging it took a lot of seriously conscious thinking about my thinking and recognizing when my brain was justifying certain behaviors before it eventually became second nature to choose not to act on those thoughts. I'm not sure if that makes sense, but it's like I had to practice being hyper-conscious of the unconscious thoughts my brain was telling me, recognize that those thoughts were irrational/unhelpful, and make a different choice. Now I don't even toy with the idea of bingeing and purging because it simply isn't who I am anymore. So perhaps in the beginning you'll have to be more mindful of when you brain tells you not to eat something for whatever reason (you're not hungry, you shouldn't, blah blah blah) and deal with a bit of guilt afterwards, but the more you practice it the more second nature it will become.

To go off on a tanget for a minute, I will say that toddler tantrums are so SO hard in the moment. Especially if you are tired (and especially if you are tired AND hungry 😁) I follow Dr. Becky At Good Inside on IG (she also has online courses and an email subscription) and she is incredible in the parenting department. I wish I'd found her when my son was little....he has always been my more "challenging" child but now I recognize that he was (is) not a hard or challenging kid but just a kid having a hard or challenging time. It was never helpful for me to yell at him or tell him that the things he does or says hurts my feelings or even send him to his room as punishment. It never worked. What has worked is recognizing that when he gets really frustrated and angry and yells, I know he is a kid with REALLY big feelings and he doesn't always know how to manage them. I empathize with whatever it is that he's going through and tell him that I'm here, I love him, and it's ok to let it all out.

None of that is to say that you do any of those things, but just as a side note if you're interested she truly is sort of a magical person in the parenting world. I'm still working with my son on frustratation tolerance (teaching him those skills) and I'd love to take her online course on confidence (for myself and my son 😂) but I haven't done so yet. Her daily IG posts are always helpful.

With all of that beign said, it's great hearing how things are going in general! The fact that you're on here writing out your thoughts and reaching speaks volumes that you are aware of your potential behaviors and have a desire to stay on top of them (or make necessary changes).

I weigh the same as I have for years. I am still lean and fit, but I’m basically never hungry. I am not hungry every time I eat. In hindsight, the “eat only when hungry” diet is incredibly counterproductive, especially for a pregnant woman, an athlete, a busy person, a social person, or someone wanting to maintain muscle, energy, mood, or brain power. I’m not sure that approach is good for anyone, especially if it’s based in fear.

So, feel free to question and discard that whole notion and come back to nourishment and gratitude. It will make life better. Underfed people are often impatient and mean. This negatively impacts work, relationships, parenting, self-care, all of it. You deserve to be happy and to feel fantastic.

Thank you so much both Hayley and Skwigg :)

Hayley, good to know that your experience with the second pregnancy / nursing went better. I hope it will be the same for me, as I now realize just how unnecessary it was to stress and restrict myself thinking I would never lose the weight. I am now "back in shape" and I fully realize that, as you wrote, nothing is permanent. Pregnancy feels like forever but in retrospect it goes by fast.

Skwigg, thank you so much for sharing what works for you. I have never been good at meditating/ staying still (I even tried acupuncture and I could not stand waiting the full 30 min with needles all over my body unable to do anything, LOL). However, it is the same for me in that when I step back and analyze on my own thoughts, I can see that my mind is causing the drama (e.g. "if I eat this I will get fat”). The whole stepping back and choosing how I would rather react to the situation is so useful; I also try to do it with my toddler who is now starting to throw so big tantrums. I instinctively get angry, so I am trying really hard to remind myself that he behavior is (usually) not an emergency, so I can take a step back and breathe before I react. It can be applied to so many areas of my life!

Also, I love the idea of saying “Thank you for the nourishment.” Being grateful for the food we get to eat, for the body we have, our health…

Yesterday at work we got free croissants. We always get free croissants from a bakery on Mondays. I never eat them because I am usually not hungry when they are brought to us. And that’s the thing now, I am not restricting specific foods (I eat, candy, junk food etc.) but I am very much still on the “eat-only-when-hungry diet”. I NEVER EVER eat if I am not hungry and I don’t overeat. But yesterday I really wanted a pain au chocolat because it looked so good. So I had one with my coworkers even though I wasn’t hungry. I am not going to lie, I felt a bit guilty afterwards but I tried to shake it off and I did not let it affect my later food choices. I really want to start accepting that sometimes it’s ok to eat something simply because it sounds good, even though I might not be hungry.

I’ve been meditating and doing yoga daily for awhile. I love those because they help me to be fully present in the moment instead of off in my thoughts. When I was able to get a little perspective on my own thinking, I could see that in the moment, everything was fine. Then I would spin some story about future events going wrong, or about what I imagined someone else was thinking. Suddenly, I was angry, or scared, or feeling judged, but I was literally reacting to my own imagination. Like a puppy fighting itself in a mirror. It was like, oh, shit. My own thinking is the cause of all this drama. 😜 🐶

So, think about the activities and interactions that help you to feel happy and present, that get you out of your own head for a bit. Maybe it’s Pilates class, or going for a walk. Maybe listening to an audiobook or learning something new. It can be volunteering, or feeling connected to friends and family. You want to add things to your life that boost your joy and confidence. I’ve found some crazily soul-nourishing content on YouTube and also in books that has helped me to shift my perspective so I feel more connected to everyone and everything and less isolated and freaked out. When I catch my mind making up problems and things to worry about, I notice it now. I don’t just go down that rabbit hole for hours or days. I’ll be like, oops, I don’t do that anymore. I swear, just taking a deep breath and slowly letting it out can unclench a stress response or dissolve a disordered thought. Then, you choose how you would rather react to the situation.

Also, every time I eat anything, I have the thought, “Thank you for the nourishment.” I say it for lettuce as well as candy or fast food. I’ve reframed eating to be about nourishment and gratitude. Always. This has diffused the high-drama that used to come with every bite of food. Lunch is not about self-worth. It doesn’t bestow any kind of meaning or seal any kind of fate. It doesn’t say anything about me as a person. These are revolutionary notions. I struggled with all of that for so long and it seemed so real.

See if any of that helps at all, or if it gives you some ideas about other steps you could take. It’s what worked for me, but we are all on our own path.

I concur with Skwigg - it's great to see you post again! When I let a long period of time lapse in between my posts and logged into my journal to spew my thoughts, I worried everyone would roll their eyes and think, "here we go again." Which may very well have been the case (😂) but I was warmly welcomed and provided with lots of sound advice. Kind of like what Skwigg gave you just now.

I'm happy to hear you're doing well and have a 19 month old! I'm sorry you had such a traumatic experience after your delivery and perhaps even during, but it sounds like you're in a good place physically right now, which is great. I completely understand your fears in worrying that you'll relapse back into old patterns of behavior and thinking, but that was the Letizia then and the Letizia now has learned that those fears and old ways of thinking and behaving weren't helpful. You've learned that no good comes from under-nourishing your body and that it's hard to stay present and enjoy your son and your family and life in general if you're wrapped up in illogical and irrational thoughts about what may or may not happen with your body. Also, nothing is permenant, meaning yes, when you get pregnant your body will change but it won't stay that way forever. I'm not an expert in the field by any means, but I will say that my second pregnancy and ability to nurse went much better when I ate more regularly and ate enough. I struggled so much with Chloe (my first) when I gave birth to her because she was 3 weeks early, small, and I, too had a pretty insufficient breast milk supply. It wasn't a total 180 when I had my son because I still struggled a bit with nursing in general, but he didn't seem to have any problem taking what I had to offer! He was a little meatball for the longest time 😂 My point in saying that is that I knew from the first go-around that I didn't want a repeat of that same struggle so I learned from the experience and did what I could to make the second time a bit better. Even though you've struggled in the past it doesn't mean you have to struggle again in the future.

You are always welcome here, Letizia!

I’m quite a few years down the road from my worst food and body image struggles. What I can see in hindsight is that my eating disorder had nothing to do with food. It was a reflection of my inner state. Change your way of thinking and being, and everything around you changes. There is love and there is fear. Love is everything - connection, kindness, joy, wonder, empathy, humor. It’s our natural state. Fear is an illusion based on a story about the absence of love. It gives rise to anger, judgment, punishment, scarcity, insecurity, all that fun stuff.

So, with an eating disorder, we create all these monsters in our heads about not being worthy of love. On some subconscious level, we’ve decided that controlling what we eat and how we look will make everything ok. All addiction is an attempt to medicate fear on some level. We don’t feel ok with ourselves, but maybe if we engage in some behavior (disordered eating, gambling, shopping, over exercising, drugs) it will alleviate the fear and allow us to feel happy and safe, even if that experience is fleeting, which it always is when we go after it in some destructive way.

Begin to shift your beliefs and daily experiences in a way that allows you to feel loved, safe, appreciated, and grateful. Then, starving yourself in order to feel ok isn’t a thing that comes up anymore. It’s nuts!

I hope it’s ok for me to randomly come back here after being absent for so long.

Last time I posted was when I was pregnant with my son/ had just given birth. He is now 19 months old so it’s been a while. After having a sort of ED relapse during pregnancy, I feel like I have gone back to “normal”. After I gave birth, I had so many complications and my weight dropped drastically and I went below my “happy weight” (aka my pre pregnancy weight). I was skin and bones, felt so ugly and uncomfortable in my own skin. I looked sick and it also made breastfeeding so hard because my supply was too low.

I eventually managed to get my weight back up and build some strength back (I had lost all my muscle), though pilates and strength training. I am now at my usual weight, and doing some light strength training twice a week. I would say I am in a good place: I eat when i’m hungry, I eat what I like, I am not afraid to go out to restaurants etc.

However, I am starting to worry about possible relapse because we are currently trying for a second child. I got pregnant last October and had a miscarriage at around 7weeks unfortunately, but that beginning of pregnancy showed me how delicate my balance is: I was already having a hard time with eating, I was already worried about how much weight I would gain, if I would be bigger than I was during my first pregnancy etc. When I lost the pregnancy it put everything back into perspective for me : pregnancy if a gift and everything else (looks, weight etc) is so unimportant.

Now I am ready to try again but I am so afraid of messing it up with my ED thoughts. I want to be worthy of my future baby and nourish it properly without letting my ED thoughts get in the way.

I am fully aware of the relapse signs I had during my first pregnancy so I can be vigilant if they creep up again :

* Increased concern about body image

* Fear around food

* Restricting sweets and carbs

* Preoccupation with weight gain

* Avoidance of social events/ eating out

However, it can be so hard to catch myself doing these when I am in the moment. During my first pregnancy I really wasn’t honest with myself, telling myself lies like “I am not eating dessert because I am trying to be healthy”… but in fact I clearly had a problem, I was going to bed hungry and waking up starving at 4/5am every day and I was forcing myself to wait until 7-8am to eat breakfast because I refused to eat more. So this time around I want to be prepared. I want to start collecting ED recovery resources to refer back to when I need them. And I know there is a lot of knowledge in this forum so I will be doing some reading:)

Wow, that must have been scary! Health really is everything, and it’s the big picture of physical, emotional, and spiritual health, not just numbers or appearance. I’m so glad your baby is healthy and you’re feeling better.