Letizia’s journal

Thinking about food and wanting to eat IS a sign of physical hunger. Feeling foggy, trouble concentrating (because we’re thinking about food!). The first signs are so subtle. It’s only fear telling us that our stomach has to be gnawing on our spine before we can eat. That is no good, especially when fueling a healthy pregnancy. Give yourself the grace to eat joyfully as desired, and know that your body knows exactly what to do with the food. It’s literally building a human. You want to help it out rather than being a hinderance to the process. What I’ve found is that my body absolutely will self-regulate if I let it. There will be snacky, indulgent days, big meals, lots of social activities, and that automatically balances itself out over the following days and weeks. I naturally start to miss and look forward to more simple, healthy and satisfying meals, but the rigid structure is gone. My body and soul are calling the shots now and they are so much smarter and kinder than restrict-o-brain. 🤪 Trust that nature knows what it’s doing when it guides you with cravings, food thoughts, nausea, or repulsion. Lean into that and you’ll find a friend for life. Everything is not a battle, which was also news to me. 😃

Hi Hayley! Thank you for your comment 😊 

My first pregnancy was like you described: I felt so uncomfortable in my body, I was bloated and full, just wanted my body back and I could not enjoy the moment. Looking back I regretted being so focused on my body and not being more present. This time around, I am determined to do things differently. I know what a gift this pregnancy is (I would even say it’s a miracle). We wanted it so much and it’s so amazing that it happened. I am beyond grateful. Which is why I want to do things differently and try to enjoy it. Also, it will (most likely) be my last baby. However, despite being incredibly grateful, my old habits and restrictive thoughts are still there. I am trying my best not to listen, but they are still there. However, this time around I want to challenge them and not listen. I want to be OK with gaining the “proper” amount of weight. It’s hard but I will suck it up.

It’s such a great suggestion to get curious about why I think it's not ok to eat if I am not hungry. It is because it feels like I don’t *need” this food, if I am not hungry my body is not in need of food so I have no business eating food. BUT I know that we can eat for other reasons than hunger; they just feel less “worthy” because they are not physiological.

I also have this weird idea that people who eat when they are not hungry cannot be thin. BUT Skwigg you are great example that this is not true!! I will try to remember what you wrote, and all the benefits!

You’re doing great challenging those restrictive thoughts. I know I’ve said this before but I’m basically never hungry when I eat. I snack every day. I don’t let myself get physically hugry if I can help it. The benefits of being well-fueled are so dramatic. I’m stronger and I have more endurance. I sleep better. Anxiety and insomnia are nonexistent. I’m no longer obsessed and stressed about every little thing. Chronic hunger messes us up in so many ways. I don’t miss binge urges. Those just ceased to exist when food was no longer restricted and judged. I still like to eat healthy whole food, and sweets, and rich restaurant food, and ultraprocessed food, all the food. When I’m not mildly-starved all the time, there is no impulse to be crazy around food at all. It’s absolutely worth it to challenge those old thoughts and behaviors. It feels difficult in the moment but the health and happiness payoff is amazing. You can do it! You deserve to feel your best and enjoy your life.

It's been 10+ years since I was pregnant, but I vividly recall thinking (a lot) how foreign and uncomfortable my body felt. Like just when I thought I couldn't feel more bloated or full or uncomfortable I did. I read somewhere that we sometimes have to be careful not to turn intuitive eating or any form of eating into the "eat only when hungry diet." Maybe it was Skwigg who said that 😂 Either way, you're not messing up by eating when you're not hungry. I encourage you to get curious about the mentality behind why it's not ok to eat if you're not hungry. Is it because that's been labeled as "bad" in the past so now you feel guilty or is it more physical in that when you eat when you're not hungry you're always left feeling more full/uncomfortable/bloated than you'd like? I try to help my clients remain as non-judgmental about this stuff as possible so they don't end up going down a shame spiral (and let's be honest, I am also trying to always follow my own advice - ha ha).

I think it's great that, despite that irrational part of your brain telling you not to eat something or restrict or you feel fat, etc - you're choosing to take opposite action. By that I simply mean that you recognize that restricting in the past or not honoring what you want (food-wise) was never helpful. None of this is permanent. Feeling full, being pregnant, nausea, etc. In the moment it might feel overwhelming, but maybe it would help to remember that all of these things are temporary. I don't love feeling overly full and/or uncomfortable after eating, but I try to own my choices rather than beat myself up about them and see if there's anything I could or would do differently next time. Maybe? Maybe not.

There are so many things I'd do differently if I did my pregnancy(s) over again. A small part of me loved it, but (sadly) an even bigger part of me just wanted my body back. I'm so happy you managed to conceive your second child. I know it might not help right now to hear about what a gift it is and how you can't get these moments back (I'm sure the logical part of your brain reminds you of this all the time) but it truly is. My youngest turns 11 in March and, while I can't change the past and my kids are amazing (in my totally non-baised opinion 🤣) if I were to go through it all over again I definitely would've taken more time to appreciate what a totally cool and amazing thing it was to carry around another human being for 9 months of my life.

Things are starting to become more challenging.

Since last Friday I have been feeling very “snacky”, in that I want a snack every 2-3 hours even though I am not hungry per se. I have been honoring that because I am trying to heal my relationship with food and also because when my stomach is empty I start feeling mildly nauseous (even though I am not really hungry). So long story short, I have been eating more snacks than usual and not only out of hunger. Also, I have had good meals like pasta Bolognese, risotto, but I have felt extremely full afterward. This caused me a bit of “fat feeling”, combined with the fact that my pants are starting to feel super tight. Yesterday I felt so horrible about my body I almost cried in the shower, but then I reminded myself of why I am doing all this. But it’s hard to do all this while being pregnant because my body already feels different (and is bound to get bigger). I also have different cravings and aversions, so I have not been eating any vegetables pretty much.

Anyway today I woke up, had my normal breakfast and then around 10 am I was feeling a it hungry so I had a croissant at work (we have free pastries every Monday). Then, for lunch, I am going to make myself something delicious at my normal lunch time, whether I am hungry or not (because if don’t eat then I will be starving at an inconvenient time). Lately (since last week) my go-to lunch is sushi rice with fried tofu, half an avocado, lots of mayonnaise (hadn’t had that in YEARS) and sriracha. It has lots of fats but I am trying not to focus on that and just concentrate on how good it tastes (and it doesn’t make me feel sick). For dinner tonight we are having “piadinas” which are similar to tortillas but made with olive oil, grilled in a pan and filled with ham and cheese. It’s my favorite lazy day dinner, but it has lots of calories and zero veggies. Diet brain doesn’t like that but we are challenging diet brain.

This week I am also going out to lunch on Thursday with my team at work, and we are having a 4 course meal. It will most likely be delicious but a bit challenging for me. Last year I restricted and did not eat dinner after such a big lunch. This year I want to give myself the opportunity to eat dinner if it sound appealing.

All in all, I would say that it’s getting challenging but I am pushing through the discomfort. 

I see quasi-recovery as just a normal step in recovery. At first, we're bound to do our "recovery rules" with the same level of fear and judgment as our restriction rules. We may be eating more, including more foods, maintaining a higher weight, whatever the goal, but we do it rigidly with a lot of fear and judgement. So, at first, the behaviors change but the mindset doesn't. It's when the mindset starts shifting that we begin to experience genuine freedom and confidence. So, it's not that we're nailing our new food plan; it's that we're not thinking about it. We're busy with other, more joyful stuff. That's been my problem. I struggle to write about food anymore because I don't think about food anymore. I'm still a happy, healthy, fit person, but I no longer have that steady stream of nutrition thoughts that I can come and type about. That has been both liberating and awkward. It's why I come here and write about my houseplants. I don't know what to say about food anymore. I get hungry or want some food, then I eat what I want, then I don't think about it. When the fear/control/judgment die down, there isn't much else to say, and that's awesome! Listening to your body and giving it what it wants is a huge step toward health and freedom, not just that, but doing it without fear. I feel like those fear and judgment thought patterns were just habits. I talked to myself that way because I'd always done it, not because it was effective or helpful. If you can catch those old thoughts and laugh at them, watch them curiously, or let go of them, that will do more for genuine recovery than anything having to do with food or fitness. Your habitual thoughts, the way you talk to and treat yourself are the heart of the issue. Be kind. Be love. Live love. Once you turn it in that direction, there is no stopping a beautiful, healthy life from unfolding.

I hope your checkup went well. You come here and journal about food, fitness, and life all you want. I'm always thrilled to hear from you! I feel like there is this core group of us who have just been through it together all these years. I'm always wishing everyone well, excited to hear any kind of updates. The first time you posted after several years away, I think I actually jumped up and down! 😃

I am not really sure if people still talk about food on here or not but I feel like journaling about it so I hope it’s OK.

I was about to start IVF injections with my period at the end of November but my period never came. I took a pregnancy test incredulous and it was indeed positive. Since I already experienced a miscarriage I have been extremely anxious and I have a scan today so hopefully everything is (still) fine.

Meanwhile, as I have been wanting this pregnancy so much and I am feeling incredibly lucky, I have decided to really make changes to my eating. For the past 6 months or so, when I was “preparing” for IVF, I was following my dietitian’s meal plan. It was higher calories than I have ever eaten, and extremely balanced in terms of protein – carbs – fats. However, it was a bit strict, or rather, I was being very strict with it. No sugar, no refined carbs, no alcohol, basically I cut out everything that I read somewhere was not optimal for fertility and hormone balance. I was super careful not to spike my blood sugar and included protein in every single meal/ snack. However, when I started feeling morning sickness, everything went out the window. Suddenly I cannot stomach most proteins (meat, fish, eggs) and all I want is carbs, cheese, and sugar. I am also very hungry. Essentially, as soon as my stomach starts emptying I feel sick. In my first pregnancy I had been so strict with myself trying not to gain “too much” weight so in the first trimester I “cheated” the hunger/nausea by eating sugar free hard candy all day (which made me feel even more awful). So this time around, I wanted things to be different. I have been really making an effort to listen to my body and give in to what I want. So I stopped forcing myself to have protein in everything, and have been living off of pasta, bread, cheese, chocolate and pizza for the past month. I have no idea how much weight I have gained. During my first gynecologist visit I had already gained 1 kg at 7 weeks of pregnancy but I am trying really hard not to let myself get triggered by those weigh ins. I actually thought about asking the doctor not to tell me my weight, but maybe I should just learn to face my fears and accept the weight gain because it’s normal and it’s for a good cause.

I also read “intuitive eating” again and I am reading “Unapologetic eating” which is similar. I really want to focus on eating intuitively, without turning it into the “hunger fullness diet”. Some successes I had these past few weeks:

• I have been allowing myself to drink “empty calories” (mainly fruit juice and hot cocoa) because water makes me sick

• I have been allowing myself to have meals with zero protein

• I have allowed myself to eat a big portion of something I want (even though it was a bit more than perfect fullness level)

• Peanut butter without weighing/ measuring

• Croissant at work when I wasn’t hungry, just because my colleague brought pastries

• Dessert after every meal

• A sweet, high carb breakfast with no protein. I am hungry sooner but I don’t really care, I just eat whenever I get hungry again.

My pants are already tight, but I am avoiding body checking in the mirror etc. I have also been resting a lot because I am exhausted, so no workouts for the past 2 weeks (while on holidays) and no forcing myself to be active or anything. I also did not go skiing with my husband although skiing is my favorite thing to do in winter. I skied until 34-35 weeks when I was pregnant with my son, but this time I am so so scared. I have to admit though, I felt a bit like a slob on the days when everybody went skiing except me and then we all had raclette, like I didn’t “deserve” my raclette like they did. BUT I did not let that stop me from eating my raclette and having a decent portion.

So basically, I really want to take the opportunity to heal my relationship with food this 2025. I think I have been in “quasi recovery” for a very long time and now I want to take it to the next level. 

It’s great that you’re eating better and feeling better. I can sort of relate in that my husband and I did a couple years of “healthy” low-fat vegan after his cancer diagnosis. In hindsight, it was totally fear-driven and not so healthy. Gobs of plants, but we were basically starving. Tired, weak, muscle loss, brain fog, hair falling out, nails splitting. Putting back ALL foods and eating in a more balanced way was a miracle. We’re both strong, healthy and happy again. I’m glad to hear you’re experiencing the benefits of better nutrition. It’s funny (or not) how many times I’ve needed to relearn this lesson.

I have been doing really well in my food freeedom journey.

As I have been trying to conceive and preparing for IVF I wanted to be as healthy as possible so I had to make changes to my nutrition. On the surface I was eating so “clean” so I should have been the picture of health but in reality I was not. My hormones levels were low and I was always tired.

Also, a bit TMI, but I have had chronic diarrhea for I don’t know how long. This was due to the huge amounts of vegetables I was eating. I still had this “food rule” that I should eat lots of vegetables to fill myself up, and I was convincing myself it was healthy even though my digestion was clearly disagreeing.

Over the past few months, I have decreased my veggies intake (no more than 150g cooked veggies per meal, which is like 1/4 of what I was eating before) and increased my intake of everything else. I make an actual effort to eat a starch at every meal (which I wasn’t doing before because I was afraid of starchy carbs) and lots of protein and fat. I have never felt better, my digestion has improved tremendously and I have more energy. I don’t know how much weight I have gained but I am trying not to care.

I read something the other day “if you have to restrict in order to maintain this body then it’s not your body”. It really resonated with me.

Feeling a bit low so I thought I would journal a bit.

I have been feeling really good physically lately, since I started working with a dietitian. She gave me some amazing advice which I have been implementing since june. Essentially, more fats and more protein, and also working on balancing my hormones through stabilizing blood sugar levels and eating slightly differently depending on the phase of my menstrual cycle. I have also been doing acupuncture and breathing exercises to manage my anxiety/ stress. I feel great, I have energy and I am motivated to work out again. I still look the same, I just have less muscle definition. My clothes still fit and some even fit a bit better (more booty in my jeans , ha!). Buuuut Im still not getting pregnant, which mean there are probably issues that are beyond my control. I thought it was just due to improper nutrition or something similar, which would have been easy to fix because I just had to eat more. It’s good because it’s not “my fault” (I thought it was my fault because I wasn’t eating properly) but it’s bad because it means I can’t really do anything about it.

But on the bright side: I am no longer obsessed with food/ thinking about food all the time! I forgot how nice it feels to have brain space for other things:) Only a few kg made a huge difference. I need to remember this next time Im catastrophising and thinking I need to “get fat” to achieve food freedom. Its simply not true, I just needed to gain 2-3kg and Im already feeling way better !

Thanks a lot Sarah for the concept of outcome goals / process goals. I like that!! I think the small tweaks I am making to my diet could be considered as process goals. What I have been doing so far is:

• Add more oil when cooking

• Add seeds to salads

• Systematically having a mid-morning and an afternoon snack

• Adding a slice of bread when I have soup or salad

Last Saturday I went out to dinner with my husband and I had a whole pizza (here in Europe it’s not uncommon for one person to eat an entire pizza as a meal) + a nice Aperol spritz and we shared tiramisu for dessert. I usually don’t eat dessert after a pizza because it’s already a lot of food, but I checked in and I realized I still had some room so I had a bit of tiramisu and ended up comfortably full (and very happy).

I also did something which I was really afraid of for the longest time: I booked an appointment with a nutritionist doctor. She has a practice focused on endocrine health and fertility for women, so I think she will really help me. I had my first session today. She took several measurements and it turns out that I am not doing as bad as I thought! My BMI is 18.7, which she said is on the low end of what is considered a “normal” range. My body fat is 19%, which she said is also low but not excessively low if that makes sense. However, as I am currently experiencing irregular periods and possibly ovulatory issues, she thinks my own personal “happy” weight could potentially be slightly higher. I am reassured though that I am not severely underweight or anything like that. Prior to this I had no idea where I stand.

She also analyzed my food journal and said that it seems balanced to her (already taking into account the above mentioned small changes I have been making), but she think I am not eating enough protein. I guess this is because my son does not like meet / fish so we only eat legumes at home. However, she said it’s perfectly fine to keep eating vegetarian dinners, but she suggested that I add an extra portion of protein to my lunches. Essentially I do not need to change much, but just add an extra portion of protein to my lunches and also try to increase the protein content of my breakfasts. Sounds totally doable! And protein is probably the food group that I am less “scared” of, so adding a bit of protein will be less triggering for me than adding more calories from another food group. I will also be taking photos of my meals for the next month and upload them into an app which will send them directly to her so that she can actually see quantities/ portion sizes.

In terms of supplements, she suggested omega-3 as the most important thing. Additionally, she said I could have some collagen in my morning coffee for an extra dose of protein. I am a bit skeptical re. collagen but maybe I will try it. Has anyone here ever take collagen supplements?

Anyway, I am very happy about all this and having to send the pictures of what I eat I think is going to help me stay accountable/ keep going even when it feels uncomfortable to be increasing my intake or when I would be tempted to eat less. 

Yes, food is definitely a source of pleasure. Put some butter on that bread too!

As far as goals go, I think it's helpful to look at outcome goals and process goals. For instance your outcome goals may be a second child and loving/feeling confident in your body. What are the process goals that get you there but also make you feel good? When I think about this for running races it goes something like this --- My outcome goals are to finish in 1) XX time and 2) finish feeling strong so that I can keep training for the next one. What are my process goals to get there? 1) eat 20-30 grams of carbs every 20 minutes 2) hike the hills and run the downs and flats.etc.

It sounds like you are already thinking like this but maybe writing it out that way will help clarify. It also can't help to talk with a professional. Through my health insurance I can schedule quick behavioral health appointments. When I've been struggling with something this has helped just to have someone to talk with. It's short of therapy but may help clarify if that's something you should pursue. A lot of workplaces have employee assistance programs too that over drop in counseling session.

Very interesting concept of "goal life" rather than goal weight. What is my goal life? When I close my eyes, my goal life involves: having a second child, feeling confident in my body, finding a form of exercise that I enjoy…. There are a few minor things that I would like to improve from my current life, namely, thinking less about food, having more regular bowel movements, learning to listen to my body - I am so used to ignoring or controlling it that I don't even know what it tries to tell me. I have so much tension in my upper back and neck, I don't even realize it. I went to an acupuncturist and as soon as he saw me he said I had very low energy (which has also been confirmed by low iron in blood test) but I don't really feel that I have low energy because I am on auto pilot all the time and I just get stuff done without even taking a moment to ask myself how I'm doing. How do I reconnect with my body after so long? Maybe I should try some yoga, I used to enjoy it. That's the other thing: I am skinny but I am out of shape. I don't do any cardio (haven't done any in years) and I do some very light weight workouts once or twice a week but I don't enjoy them. I keep them short but I am so un-motivated. Maybe this lack of motivation to work out is actually my body's way of telling me that I am tired?

In terms of body image, I am all over the place. I regularly "feel fat" (when I'm bloated, or when I eat a big meal), but at the same time I find myself too skinny when I look in the mirror. Yesterday I was trying on bikinis for summer and I had a meltdown - too body, too pale, too many moles, saggy boobs, cellulite…I literally tore myself apart. I want this to change. Tearing myself apart every summer when trying on swimwear is definitely not part of my "goal life". Maybe I should try to find a professional to help me. I always think I can do it on my own because I have so much knowledge of food and Eds but maybe an external source could be really helpful.

Some small "wins" from yesterday: I ate a croissant at work (even though I was not hungry) because my co-worker brought some pastries; I had an afternoon snack even though dinner was coming up shortly. For today, I made pea soup for dinner and for once I am going to have bread with my soup. I usually don't have any because I always tell myself "it's ok, I don't need it, this is filling enough" which is true, but I think I would love to have some bread with my soup even though it might not be a necessity. It's like when I don't need a new dress, sometimes I still want the new dress so I get it sometimes. The same could be applied to food I guess; food is not only a necessity, it can also be a source of pleasure.

I always loved Georgie’s suggestion to think in terms of a goal life and not a goal weight. See yourself happy, healthy, confident, peaceful, and accomplishing everything you want in life. Move toward that with your thoughts and actions. The old fears and restrictions hold us back from what we most want in life. Releasing them can feel uncomfortable because it’s unknown. It requires us to change, but it’s not dangerous. I remember there being such a fight-or-flight feeling associated with my food choices. Turns out it’s not that perilous. My own thinking was the scariest thing happening. Questioning those fears and automatic reactions is a huge part of it. Think about who and how you want to be going forward. At fist, it’s dozens or hundreds of times a day that you have to consciously redirect unhelpful thoughts and emotions, but then it gets so much easier. Peace becomes the default, and we actually take much better care of our body and health when operating from a place of peace and not terror or judgment. You’ve got this!

I have been doing well for the past few days, making small tweaks that I can barely notice (full fat milk instead of semi-skimmed, more oil, nut/ seeds on salads)… and adding an afternoon snack even when I’m not hungry because I still feel like eating, ha!

I also went out to dinner with a friend and I ordered what I truly wanted (first default choice was « I should get the fish » and then I told myself no, I want the burrata). So that’s good. I just got my period today though and I am incredibily bloated, which makes me feel « fat »/ causing me to freak out a bit, like « see your pants are already tight, stop doing what you’ve been doing ». This whole thing of eating more on purpose is so counter intuitive for me. And my brain is also making all sorts of arguments like “you don’t know for sure that you need to gain weight”… But I do know that 1) I eat super healthy by “default”, 2) I never let myself over indulge and 3) I still think about food a lot/ can’t wait to eat even when I’m not hungry per se. I am pretty sure that these are all signs that I should be eating and weighing more. The other scary thing is that I have no idea what my adult body is supposed to look like. I have had eating disorders/ restrictive eating since I was 15 and I am 34 now. I don’t know what my “happy weight” is. Maybe it’s not much bigger than my current weight, or maybe it’s way heavier. No clue, and I am a bit scared to find out.

Thank you for commenting, Sara and Skwigg!

I love both of your suggestions of thinking in terms of nourishment/ gratitude and also increasing calories by making small tweaks that won’t make me freak out. I have started brainstorming ideas of little things to add, like cooking with 2 tbsp of oil instead of 1, adding nuts/ seeds to my salads, having a slightly bigger portion of chocolate as my dessert, and adding an afternoon snack. I usually skip the afternoon snack because we eat dinner early (6-6:30) and I usually get a bit hungry around 5-5:30 pm so I usually tell myself I can just wait until dinner. I will also look for resources regarding how to cope and accept weight gain. Ultimately I want to gain a bit of weight because I think I would feel better and also look better, but I know that it will still be hard for me to accept when the weight does start to add on…

You may find it helpful to focus on nourishing yourself, mentallly, physically, and emotionally. Nourishment and gratitude. When making food choices or engaging in self-talk, ask “Is this kind? Is it nourishing?” Every time you make conscious choices in that direction - for your future, for your happiness, for love - let the feelings of joy, health, and gratitude wash over you. It will change everything. It’s not even about calories or your body. It’s letting go of the old fears so you can move forward. Those old ways of thinking don’t serve you or protect you anymore. Think in terms of nourishing your body, your baby, and your own soul. That will include plenty of nutritious foods, but with more variety, more joy, less judgement and fear.

I need to write in my journal a bit to gather my thoughts

We have been “struggling” to get pregnant- I don’t know if I am allowed to call it a struggle because it hasn’t been that long but to me it feels like forever. Started trying in August, got pregnant in October then had a miscarriage in November. We have since been trying every month December to June and so far it hasn’t worked. It’s taking a toll on my mental health and on our marriage - our sex life basically revolves around ovulation and is super regimented during the “sex week”

Why am I writing this? well because I have a nagging feeling that my weight might have something to do with it. I don’t have proof or anything but it’s just a feeling. I don’t weigh myself but based on my clothes I can tell I have lost weight in the past year and I was already slim. Partly it’s because I have a toddler and my life is very hectic right now, but I know I also have some habits that are not necessarily healthy. It’s not that I am restricting per se, and I am soooo much freer than I used to be. I don’t binge, I am not scared of eating out, I eat all food groups etc. BUT - and its a big but - most of the time my eating habits are still dictated by what is low calorie. Except when Im out with friends, I don’t eat anything extravagant. I eat lots of veggies, lots of whole grains, fruit, lean proteins…. The only sweets I eat on a daily basis are a few squares of  chocolate (but never EVER more than 4 squares, even though sometimes I would like more). It doesn’t feel restrictive to me because I genuinely enjoy eating like that and I know that if I didn’t eat this “clean” I would feel bad (as in guilty/ fat etc.). When I put it in writing its so much easier to see it: I still dont have a normal eating behavior. And to be honest I don’t even like the way I look when Im this thin. My clothes don’t look good; everything is baggy and I can’t even find my size in most stores because XS is too small. If anyone is reading this I hope it’s not triggering (and if it is I do apologize).

But the truth is: I don’t know how to change. I have been this way for sooo long. And I used to be so much worse. First anorexia, then on and off bulimia for years. Now I’m so happy I have not binged/ purged in years (I don’t even remember the last time I did it). But I have plateaued. I got a bit restrictive when I was pregnant with my son (who is now 2 years old) and since then I haven’t been feeling great in my body. I was very underweight after my traumatic birth, then I got better and built a bit of muscle. But since he started walking I have lost weight again without even trying (not much, maybe 2kg but I was already slim) and now I am stuck at a low weight that I dont like and that might be detrimental to my reproductive health… and I don’t know how to change it. In the past I have never been able to consciously gain weight without losing it and bingeing. The only times I have successfully gained weight progressively was unintentionally when the weight simply added up without me doing anything special. But now I think I need to actually do something about it, but it feels so counterintuitive to me. My default mode is trying to limit extra calories as much as possible, never eating past fullness, never overeating, never eating when not hungry… I would like to find a way to eat more without it being so triggering that I would end up bingeing. And also, when Im at a low weight it kinda becomes my new normal so it feels “wrong” to see the weight go up (even though my rational side wants to gain).

I love that update Letizia! I agree with Skwigg - huge win. You honored your body by allowing yourself to enjoy the lunch with your co-workers, you acknowledged that you were very full and didn't feel up to eating dinner, but you saved yourself a portion and gave yourself permission to eat it when you felt hungry and didn't let old thoughts/behaviors overrule what you knew was best in that moment. 😊

I have been extremely busy with work unfortunately so I haven’t had time to journal.

However, I wanted to write about a huge win that I had last week:)

On Thursday I had my team’s Christmas lunch (we always do it in Jan because Dec is way too busy). We went to an amazing Peruvian restaurant and all had a tasting menu with several courses. I had so much delicious food (including 5 types of desserts! so yummy) and finished eating around 4pm. I was very very full, so when dinnertime rolled around I wasn’t hungry at all (like still almost uncomfortably full) so I made dinner for my husband and son and I saved my portion for later or the next day.

Around 10pm while my husband and I were watching TV I started feeling a little bit hungry. It wasn’t real hunger yet but rather a sense of emptiness which I knew meant I would be hungry during the night (and potentially wake up super early due to being hungry). Initially I thought “it’s too late now, just go to bed and you will be able to wait until morning” and “you ate so much, you really should skip dinner”. But then, I realized it was the old me talking and I decided not to listen. I decided to eat so that I would get a good night sleep. I deserve to eat dinner even when I eat a big lunch. So I ate my dinner (a delicious chickpea curry with a side of basmati rice) at 10pm and went to bed shortly after. I slept great and the next day I resumed my normal eating pattern. I felt like it was a step in the right direction:)