Hello! I haven't been on here in so so long but just came back to the new site- how gorgeous! I came on here to see if there was any advice on managing romantic partners and their involvement in our body/food/fitness stuff. I have an amazing boyfriend who absolutely adores and respects me- my weight has shifted up and down since we met and he always comments on how amazing I am, and how attracted he is to me. He is the type of guy that never ever dieted, is naturally thin, and eats because he has to, not because he really cares- although he enjoys food when he does. He just isnt pulled by it. However, he does have a weightlifting hobby. He is mindful of his physique and wants to be bigger and stronger. Food is really not part of the equation at all- but working out is. So, since weve been dating he has encouraged my fitness...
When we met, I was thinner and totally not really trying to be. I was definitely undereating some days, but I really wasnt trying. I was totally not thinking about it and I rarely did formal workouts. I just walked everywhere, partied a lot with friends, went to a dance class when I felt like it, and ate to enjoy/or feel light so I could feel good in my summer mini dress out on the town.
However, once we became really close I noticed him encouraging fitness. I initially wanted to be or seem open to healthy encouragement, which it truly was, and take some of his weight training advice. But of course, this backfired and as soon as the focus on fit or thin or a different body came into place, obviously my attention shifted towards "have to" or "should" which made me want to rebel, and then led to feeling workout avoidance or dread and forced restriction/overeating.
This was such a small shift from his end. It is not like he told me all the time, and he NEVER made me feel bad. He just honestly wanted to help. However, knowing how I respond to the "have-to" framework- I soon drew a line in the sand. He knew about my food history but I attempted to explain why his advice and guidance was actually counter productive and was actually leading to the opposite effect.
He laid off, but it sort of resurfaced again. I was looking at some walking/light toning program and decided to do it and he jumps in for "accountability". It is insanely sweet and I love the way he encourages my success. But if I ever do "a program" which i would actually have never pursued without him, it would be the kind of loose- if you feel like it its there, and if you're too tired or busy, F-it!- type thing.
Anyways, to wrap up, I know that deep inside that I need everyone to get out of my lane when it comes to this stuff. Probably the biggest reason why is that when I start looking at my body and self as a project for improvement, I stop doing things for enjoyment, I start "trying" to lose weight, get hyperfocused on it all, stop doing other fun things, and end up eating more overall with less enjoyment- and... you know how it goes.
I wonder what your advice would be in this situation. I feel very comfortable with him. I am not afraid to scare him off, but I really want to make him understand how I will actually look/feel/be better without the standard bullshit. That taking the focus off= closer to the body I want to be in and the feelings I want to feel. I have explained some of this stuff to him from a psychological standpoint and he is beginning to understand (he tells me counting calories is bad and weighing myself is bad lol), and so he is open and receptive, I just want to frame things in a way that makes both of us feel good and empowered.