This speaks to me on so many levels and is exactly where i am at in my life. Trying to not worry about people thinking 'i have let myself go' and just be happy for me and do what i need to do. Why am i starving myself all the time?? Is being in a bigger body the worst thing? I just want to feel peace.

Thankyou Swigg - you have no idea how much you help me and what your logic means to me. So logical and yet seemingly so unattainable for me. I really need to eat without abandon and honestly dream of sitting down and just eating as much and whatever i want to. Honestly that is my dream but then i worry i will turn into a binge eating monster! Which is how i feel when i am eating all the things at night. Face Palm, i realise i am ridiculous.

Me too! Constantly wondering how people can actually eat and not be 600lbs. I watch people at restaurants and am constantly in awe and questioning why i am so hungry all the time.

This is so good Swigg. You have no idea the help you give me. Currently trying to get out of a funk i am in after 'binging' last night.

You just get it! This is me and when i binge my jar of peanut butter i always feel better!

So much sense! My therapist says - whats going to happen? Whats the worst thing that is going to happen? I cannot even answer it as i dont think its a mad fear of weight gain anymore. I just cant exactly pinpoint it. Thankyou so much for your thoughts and this site though. You are amazing and so generous to help us.

Your amazing as always. Another question? What does day 1 look like? I just had lunch and havent logged - i dont want to but am feeling like i cant have a snack without adding it up. How did you do day 1?

Hayley i stumbled across you diary as i am currently struggling with very similar issues to you. Waking up religiously at 4.30am to use my rowing machine before anyone else is awake etc. I have since stopped the rowing although the feelings of depression and anxiousness are overwhelming. Im still going a little yoga or something every day but the thoughts are still there. Just wanted to let you know you are not alone and i am going to follow this journal from now on. I also wanted to thank you for sharing. Reading others stories really helps me in trying to recover from my disordered eating over exercising life. The stuggle is real though and how overwhelming the feelings get sometimes are crazy. I love what you said about the social aspects too and this is my worst fear. Losing my friends because i cannot socialise due to my strict exercise routines and then constant exhaustion.

Oh My gosh how i need to embrace this. Enough of balancing my life including my children around my fitness routines! I am in the process of recovery and toning down exercise but the struggle is real! As always thank you for your inspiration!