The two options I gave myself were continuing the disordered behavior or saying, "to hell with it." What I left out of the equation altogether was pursuing genuine health. True health is mental, physical, spiritual, and emotional. It's taking care of yourself on all levels. It isn't getting as lean as possible by whatever shitty means necessary. It isn't exercising yourself into exhaustion and injury to look a certain way. There's nothing healthy about that, but I had somehow confused achieving a look or sticking to a grueling exercise routine with "health." I admired people who (I thought) could do it and not break or experience backlash. What I wanted though was to feel amazing, to have no health problems, to live a long life, to be strong and well rested, to laugh easily and often, to connect with people, to have faith that it was all going to be ok. The shame and fear driven world of undereating, overtraining, and comparing myself to everyone around me couldn't produce any of that.
When I redefined what health meant to me, everything changed with my thinking and behaviors. Pursuing actual health (as opposed to a look or a weight) made me...healthy. This is so nuts! I didn't have to keep doing things that felt horrible, or that were at odds with what I wanted for myself. I didn't have to guilt, shame, and willpower my way through every day, or give up and hate myself. Health is none of that. When you get clear on what health means to you, it's easier to find it and keep it.