I definitely had my priorities really screwed up. Leanness first - everything else (life, family, work, health, happiness) fourth, fifth, sixth, or not on the list at all. Part of my problem at the time is that I lived and breathed those damn magazines and websites with competitors sacrificing everything for a look. It seemed normal and necessary to starve, to overtrain, to take dangerous supplements, to distance myself from people who eat (?!). They made sacrifice and suffering seem cool. Anyone who couldn't do it or who questioned it was weak.
That was the mental space I was in. And definitely my self-esteem was not what it should have been. If I'd had more confidence, I wouldn't have been flinging myself off the cliff with all the other lemmings. I could have used a Go Kaleo style role model back then. Eat the food. Love yourself. Be strong and happy. What radical concepts! She said something the other day about loving her boobs and ass. She's finally able to see her body the way her husband sees it. That hit me! As women, we tend to see fat and zero in on wanting to get rid of it. Men see curves, and they don't want them gone. At my very leanest and most muscular, my husband hugged me and told me I felt like a crawdad, which I took as a high compliment! LOL
I no longer see the starved, shredded, depleted, ultra-lean state as being my goal. What it takes to live in that state is not worth it to me. I like ice cream. I like bread. I like salt, and I'm liking the way I look when I eat those things. I'm fit. I have muscle definition, but there is still a girly thing about it, enough softness that I'm not going to be mistaken for a crustacean, plus I get to eat cupcakes. Trying to live in a depleted state and experiencing a huge weight swing every time you eat...anything...is really not cool. I've quit trying to manipulate water. I thought I'd quit it a while ago but I would still find myself focusing on protein, plants, no salt, and drinking more in order to see a low weight at the end of the week. I've begun to deliberately screw that up lately.
I've been appreciating my muscles and curves, which feels fantastic compared to that drive to be as light, lean, and small as possible. How about being as healthy, happy, and awesome as possible? It's a liberating line of thinking.